Music Monday #8


This originated with The Tattooed Book Geek. I know of it because of The Past Due Review.
I have decided to participate as well. Every Monday I will post a new song that I want to share. My focus will be music that inspires me, gets me moving, or something similar. So here goes! 

During the month of January 2019, I intend to share personal songs that have a deeper meaning to me. This is to share parts of myself. To be a little more authentic and to engage in a way that I don’t feel I have to date.


Reason: 

In 2012, I found myself leaving a relationship that was the most steady foundation that I had had in my life to that point. It was a good relationship when it was good and a bad one when it was bad. There was no clear neutral area in this relationship.As I started exploring myself and understanding myself in a deeper way that I had not understood because of the upheaval I was constantly within while homeless, on drugs, and other things, I recognized that I may not be a gay male. I may actually be transgender. This realization caused me to talk to my partner at the time. We both recognized he would not be into the relationship if I was a female. This caused us to end the relationship. 

I spiraled afterwards. I went into the worst state mentally that I had ever been in. I recognize now that it was because the feeling of stability was gone. The feeling of some type of normalcy was gone again. I was thrown back into a state of worry. At the time though, I equated everything to still wanting this person. During November of 2012, I gave up. I gave up on myself. Three times during that month, I tried to take my own life. One of the times I am not sure I count completely as I had actually disassociated and came to having cuts into my hand. It was this time though that made me recognize that I was clearly in a place where I needed help. I was in and out of the hospital during this time, the psychiatric unit. The last time though I was placed into a program called Sub-Acute. This is a place where I did not need to be in state hospital, but it was apparent that I needed to relearn how to be within society. I couldn’t cope with the world. I couldn’t deal with my realities. This is where everything from my youth, being molested, started becoming clearer. I started recognizing I wasn’t managing it. It would take years (last year actually) to start to process and truly work on it due to feelings that I needed to keep running from life. I felt lost in the turmoil of my life at that time. 

We were allowed to be driven to places while we were in Sub-Acute. I remember we went out to Meijers because people were tired of going to Walmart. I was ecstatic because we were going on Black Friday and I still had money. I went in and discovered that they had numerous different compact discs on sale. I picked up 2. One of them was Christina Aguilera’s “Lotus” album and the other was “The Truth About Love” album by P!nk.

I remember that I was allowed to have a cd player in my room, which I had at home. I was permitted to pick it up and bring it back with me. I did this and played my 2 new CDs. I can recall when those first few notes started playing, I knew that it was going to be a song that I would love. I didn’t know how much it would be important to my life at the time and how it would help me. No, it healed me in a meaningful way.This song came on that helped me through this dark time of my life. It reminded me that even in the darkest times or when we think we were in love, but it turns out we were not, it is not time to give up. We have to keep moving. We can’t just die. Without this song, I know I would not be alive today. It was the song that allowed me to see my own strength. Every time I hear it, I get a swell of emotions. I can never fully express what this song did for me because you, the reader, were not with me at the time. I cannot fully get you to comprehend the importance of this song for my own life probably, but it has such a deep importance. I will say though that I remember that darkness and how I rose above it. How I did not let it drag me down to the point of death. This is forever my favorite P!nk song because it has such an important meaning for my own life. It is what allowed me to have one. I had to keep trying. Trying to live.

Try
P!nk

Ever wonder ’bout what he’s doing
How it’s all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it’s better,
To never ask why
Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame, someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns, doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy
Even when it’s not right
Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame, someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns, doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Ever worry that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry
When you’re out there doing what you’re doing
Are you just getting by
Tell me are you just getting by, by, by
Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame, someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns, doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

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